Here is the thing about depression: while there are commonalities in the way it appears in each person, no one experiences depression the same way. It’s an individual thing that just so happens to present itself in many ways. Two people can experience fatigue thanks to the disorder, but between the same two people, one may struggle to get out of bed while the other can go through the motions only with a healthy dose of anger lingering with them through their daily life. As someone who has battled depression (and anxiety) for quite some time, nights like this are amusing. Yes, I said amusing (and maybe a little distressing).

Tonight, I am dwelling. Dwelling is one of my depression features.

What this looks like tonight:

1. I got new glasses about a week ago, and they are cutting into the bridge of my nose. That part of my nose is now red and the skin is starting to peel a little. Yes, I purchased pads to stick to that part of my glasses, but the damage has been done. Realistically, I know that it’ll eventually (maybe) heal as long as I keep the pad in place. My illogical brain can’t stop thinking about the gross red mark and the skin that rubbed off. This leaves me wanting to rub and scratch which will inevitably make it worse. So, I dwell.
2. Tonight, I feel dirty. Not the fun kind of dirty, but the kind of dirty where I have convinced myself that I haven’t thoroughly showered recently (I have), that I smell foul (I don’t, I hope), and that even if I went in and took a shower at this very moment, I would emerge from the bathroom still feeling like hot garbage. So, I dwell.
3. I feel generally overwhelmed. There is nothing pressing going on at the moment. I am sitting here typing. I have YouTube on, shuffling between listening to people talk about books, watching movie reviews, and playing games. There is no reason why I should feel like chaos is surrounding me, but that is the way I feel. I’m stuck between wanting to do something productive so I can feel I accomplished something and wanting to close my door and hope that I don’t have to do anything at all for the rest of the weekend. So, I dwell.
4. Have you ever had to speak or perform in front of a large group of people? You know that feeling of anxiety that plants itself in the pit of your stomach, that feeling that gets worse and worse the closer you get to having to step foot on stage and address the crowd? I get that feeling often. I get that feeling when I’m lying in bed trying to sleep. I get that feeling when I’m just enjoying a movie. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be fine one moment, then, all of a sudden, I feel fearful of the invisible crowd I don’t even have to entertain. What’s wrong with me? I dwell.

I’m not sharing this information to throw myself a pity party (though if you wanna buy me a gift, I’m down).

Someone else out there is feeling a certain kind of way tonight. Their depression is on full display, or maybe they are fighting a silent battle. Someone. I don’t know who, but someone.

Just wanted to say hey.

Hey.

Siemelle